Archive for November, 2013

One of my pets is to find obscure old books, like travelogues from the colonial age, when bored rich men who had no idea about anything larger than a British garden snail (and I’m not putting down these men, as British garden snails are freakishly huge and exceedingly frightening) would go out to the New World in search of adventure.  It’s 1890 and everyone I know is cultured and daft, so toodloo and cheerio, I’m going to… you know… a place with… large rabid bears.  Places filled with “savages” and indescribable flaura!  And I’m going to take my little leather notebook and a lead pencil I need to lick to make it write, and I’m going to call that little cabbagey thing Oscar and I’m going to make up its medicinal purposes, and then I’m going to fall in a stream and get eaten by carp.

Anyway, as such, I decided to try my hand at an homage, or perhaps a parody, in “Excerpts from the 4000 Most Painful Ways to Live, as Compiled by the Rt. Hon. Crimson Tynes, O.B.E.”, which has been published by New Dead Families (dot com) and is available here: http://newdeadfamilies.com/links/current/current-2/excerpts-from-the-4000-most-painful-ways-to-live-as-compiled-by-the-rt-hon-crimson-tynes-o-b-e-by-dawn-wilson/.

It’s men like Crimson Tynes who paved the way for the U.S. government to decide they needed to put fences up on every tall cliff to keep them from leaning over too far, saying, “Corrr, looky there!” and fall off a hundred feet onto their heads.

In Ireland, instead of fences, a good Samaritan group has gone to the top of these types of cliffs and posted little wooden signs saying things like: It’s not too late to call (this number) for help with your problems.

In the U.S., after you take the effort to climb over the giant fence, there’s usually a net meant to catch you twenty feet down, and then you get hauled off in the paddy wagon and charged with Attempted Self-Murder.  So if you don’t die successfully, you’ll get to learn what the inside of a prison is like.  And that is what makes life so much more liveable.  Being in prison.



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