Archive for December, 2013

It happens.  You take a job working for a woman who waddles around in a lime green power suit and won’t let her employees express their discontent.  Maybe the lime green woman even “believes” that her employees ARE happy because they participate every week in a mandatory potluck.

But there comes a time when you have to sever your connections with the job, or find a way to sever your own head.  But how to do it?  Politics and networking and relations are everything nowadays.  You certainly don’t want to quit a job incompetently.

10. I know this one has been around for years, but: Call in dead.  “Hello, boss?  I can’t come to work anymore; I’m dead.”  Buy a coffin and have it delivered, along with a funeral spray of flowers, to your office, with instructions to clear off your desk and hoist the coffin (locked) onto the finally-clean surface.

9. Have a psychiatrist write you an excuse note, send a bill to your company for a lobotomy, and then mail greeting cards (Happy Cheerful Morning, You All Suck!) to your co-workers, including management, with the psychiatrist’s business card tucked inside.  Take time to personalize each card.  “Dear Bob, I quit because you’re a ____, and I hope you _____ by a _______.  In the meantime, I do believe you are suffering from ______, and you should see Dr. _____ for that.”

8. Hire your feeble-minded cousin Lucas to dress like you and go to work in your place, until someone notices (remain patient; depending on your job title, this could take weeks) and he’s eaten all the doughnuts and broken the twenty-thousand-dollar copier.  The great thing about this one is that, in the meantime, you will still get paid.

7. Tape “Kick Me” signs to the backs of management, on the back of which is your resignation note.  Hire a flash mob on Craigslist to carry out the kicking, in earnest.  Many will probably do so for free.

6. Get on a plane, leave the country, and never come back.  Preferrably over a holiday when no one would wonder why you were leaving.  Surprise!

5.  Call your boss at three in the morning every day for a week, breathing heavily and saying nothing.  On the seventh day, say: “I’m not coming back, but I suspect you knew that.”  (Variants include vomiting or screaming into the phone, depending on the strength of your boss’ nerves.)

4.  Dress in medieval costumes for a week and then go on a Crusade with your sword drawn.

3. Purchase poisonous reptiles using the expense account, and set the delivery date for the morning after your last day.

2. Quit in effigy.  String up a straw-filled full-sized doll dressed in your best work clothes, and hang a sign around the neck stating “Resigned”.  If you’re lucky, someone might go Guy Fawkes on your heinie.

1.  Or you could take everyone down with you, as my character Mordhue Scribner did, in “The Tax Lady Invades the IRS”, published by Winamop and available here: http://www.winamop.com/dw1301.htm




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