Archive for the ‘Roger’s Daughter’s Neighborhood’ Category

So the contents of my refrigerator look something like this: 10 baby trees, 2 plastic bags (empty), a fourth a bottle of margaritas (the super good fancy one), a jar of pickles…

Obviously, not a lot of food.

So I was rather surprised to find a bag of bagels shoved to the back.  Bagels?  In my fridge?  Nah.

They could have been in there for a year… honest… I just… I’m not a fridge-scrubber.

The back corner of my yard is dedicated to this cast-off food.  Anything that I can’t remember when I bought it, or has started to evolve into sentient life, I set it free in the backyard.


That would be the sound of the old peppers taking off into the shrubbery…

So I took those year-old bagels and set them free.  Usually, a dozen birds peck over the bready-stuffs, breaking them into manageable chunks, and then the squirrels carry off what’s leftover.

Today, the squirrel beat everyone else to the buffet.

But what do you do with a bagel that is as big as you are and weighs twice as much?  You grasp it in your teeth, fling your tail around for balance, and climb a fence post.  Then almost fall off.

The squirrel tucked the bagel into its body, holding the far end (and for anyone who has tried to drink from the far side of a glass when you have hiccups, you can understand that this is an awkward position), but then his feet barely touched the tops of the fence, and he waddled like a penguin, and hopped, and flung his tail, and tripped and nearly splatted head-first off the fence.

Squirrels are not majestic.

This maneuver is taught in the Squirrel Manual right after running back and forth in front of a moving vehicle.

Two feet later, the squirrel detoured, tried to take the chain-link fence.  He wanted to get that bagel up to his nest, try to impress the missus.  But again, the drunken little squirrel couldn’t get his own feet around the bagel, and, high-centered, he RODE that bagel down a leftover porch board, like it was a white water doughnut raft.

And THAT is why squirrels don’t have beer bellies.



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